If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.