I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
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*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
they really do be looking like this
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.