Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
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*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.