me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
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Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work