I can’t be the only one 馃槀
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Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we鈥檙e having regular supper tonight, are you free
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who鈥檚 your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he鈥檚 the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
2020: omg we鈥檙e entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I won鈥檛 believe we鈥檝e evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I鈥檝e been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don鈥檛 wanna get up
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.