I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
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These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.