If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
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I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.