You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
You Might Also Like
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I’m not wrong
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.