Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
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if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.