I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
You Might Also Like
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Unexpected Judgment
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie