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Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
kitchen magnet
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no