My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
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Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.