Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
You Might Also Like
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
The Weeknd is back
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention