Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
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my dad has had enough
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
He’s cranky this morning
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster