If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
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Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
This cat wants you to take your pills
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Going into Monday like
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.