You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
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ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
This story is comedy gold 😂
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.