[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
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The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
This week’s mood.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.