Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
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I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages