Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
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Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
they split up moments later
The Assassin.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.