#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.