My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
You Might Also Like
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Stop sending me this shit.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot