[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
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Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Schrödinger’s cookie
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist