Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
You Might Also Like
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.