H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
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[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.