I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
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*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure