Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
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daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I love you to the refrigerator and back
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I gave up going to work for lent.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”