“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere