No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
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Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
u spoke cat all this time??????
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
#StillHurts
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.