me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
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If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Rooting for the overdog
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.