Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
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Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine