“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
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my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.