Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
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When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me