sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
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[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.