Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
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My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.