That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
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ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.