I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Owl Sanctuary
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
dutch is not a serious language
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?