inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
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I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
My circle of trust is a meatball
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!