I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
You Might Also Like
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.