#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
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[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.