I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
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Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip