Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
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Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs