The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
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Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant