Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
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Zack Greinke stories are the best
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
cat vs inanimate object
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Scream sneezers need love too.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you