[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
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Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!