[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!