If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
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My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
They also CAN sing✌️
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
what’s more important?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.