All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
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If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“you changed” bro i was 15
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono