When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
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My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Knock Knock
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.