Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
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[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
finally
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours