When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
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I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.